My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
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Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I have never related to a cat more
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK