[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
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son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
How to make infinite energy.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
What?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.