*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
What even happened today?
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.