Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
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Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”