WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
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I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
getting corrected
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!