Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
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Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird