[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Jesus Christ lmao
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math