I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
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I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
at ease…shoulder.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.