My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
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If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.