It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
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Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.