“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
You Might Also Like
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.