[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
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I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
She: I like Cats
He:
Lmfaoooooo
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.