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[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
i think both sides are to blame here
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Matt Goss
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes