Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
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My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?