Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
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HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood