*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
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“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Very problematic
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty