How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
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Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Brands during Pride
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Simple enough.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.