Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
You Might Also Like
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win