I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
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My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Haha good job!!
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop