(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
You Might Also Like
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Have kids, they said
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest