I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
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God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
seems fine
it was love at first sight
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK