Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
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[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.