Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
You Might Also Like
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.