“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*