I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
grotesque if literal: baby food
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
finally
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
The three genders
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.