[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
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a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
the icebreaker
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Well, that should do it
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
is nasa ok
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”