I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
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My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.