I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
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@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.