being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
This kinda thing happens to me often
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
just pretend nothing happened
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer