Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
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You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I’ve had worse
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.