shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
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how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”