Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before