Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
You Might Also Like
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.