Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
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I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
my one true gender
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.