Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
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[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?