Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol