Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
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Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”