[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.