a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
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[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful