Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
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the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
not for long