“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
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[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone