*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
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i’m sure it’s fine
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
This made me smile…
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.