I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
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The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Cool shirt 🙂
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I needed a laugh this morning.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell