No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
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Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
The human personality is made of five key elements
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
any last words?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition