ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
You Might Also Like
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”