[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
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And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I am having an out of money experience.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.