Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
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“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind