me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house