I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
You Might Also Like
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Snapes on a plane.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?