MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
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Motel 6: We鈥檒l leave the light on for you.
Motel 6鈥檚 Dad: What am I, made of money?
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Reese鈥檚 peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
My blood type is b hungry.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
You: I鈥檓 so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
It鈥檚 easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver鈥檚 license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
God: you鈥檙e an elephant.
Elephant: dang i鈥檓 pretty big!
God: you鈥檙e actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 馃檨
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don鈥檛 want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
my first day as a raccoon
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.